How do I protect my children from verbal hostility?
Q. How do we protect our children from rude behaviour when it surrounds us even in the best of lands? Is it just a matter of repetition at home (in word and deed) and making sure we take the time to explain why rude behaviour is not acceptable, is not part of our deen, etc? Your input is very much appreciated.
Different Kinds of Rude and Mean Behaviour
Rude and mean behaviour come in different degrees. Examples of low-degree rude or mean behaviour are: (1) an insensitive remark from a friend, (2) an unexpected insult by a stranger, or (3) a one-off undeserved reprimand by a parent or a teacher who is having a bad day. Children who have been nurtured in a strong and loving relationship with their parents will have the resilience to simply brush off such rude behaviour and get on with their lives.
High-degree rude and mean behaviour, on the other hand, can cause serious harm to even the most resilient of adults, let alone children. High-degree rude or mean behaviour (a) is regular and (b) comes from a person of power and authority, such as: (1) a bully who commands the respect of a child’s peers, (2) a teacher, or (3) a religious leader, such as an imam or a religious scholar. When such people attack a child by telling him that he is ungrateful, worthless, arrogant, mean, ugly, unsociable, or unwelcome, they are being verbally hostile. Verbal hostility is broader than name-calling—it includes any verbal behaviour that belittles a child, such as interrupting the child when he speaks, giving him threatening looks, publicly humiliating him, or giving him the “silent treatment”.
Verbal Hostility is Harmful and Unlawful
Verbal hostility is just as harmful as physical hostility. Physical hostility is well-understood—it’s when you physically strike someone. We all understand that physical hostility causes harm because the bruises, blood, and broken bones that it leaves behind are physically observable on the body of the victim. But verbal hostility is not as well-understood because it harms the soul, not the body, and the marks that it leaves on the soul are not physically observable.
But the marks that verbal hostility leaves on the soul are just as real as the marks that physical hostility leaves on the body. In fact, mental health professionals explain that verbal hostility can sometimes be even more harmful than physical hostility. The wounds caused by physical hostility heal naturally with time. But the wounds caused by verbal hostility often don’t. If they are left untreated by parental empathy and support (and, in severe cases, by professional counselling) they can fester into a deep-seated anger and rebellion or a deep-seated anxiety and depression. If you don’t take action, your children will lose their trust in you, and you won’t be able to raise them into healthy and religious adults. In the long term, your parental neglect will be the cause of your children’s failures in their academic, professional, and family lives.
The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) forbade both physical and verbal hostility in the strongest of terms. He said, “Criticizing another Muslim [i.e., verbal hostility] is disobedience and fighting him [i.e., physical hostility] is disbelief.” (Bukhari and Muslim)
The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) also taught that parents are responsible to care for their children and that Allah Most High will question them about their responsibility. (Muslim) It is obligatory for you to protect your children from verbal hostility.
Protect and Support Your Child
If your child tells you that he is being verbally bullied at school, that his teacher is humiliating him, or that a religious leader is verbally attacking him, your first job as a parent is to listen to him. Don’t dismiss him. Show him empathy. Make him feel secure.
Next, show your child your genuine concern for him by investigating the situation with seriousness. Put yourself squarely into the middle of the situation. Refuse to be brushed off. Don’t simply accept it if you’re told that your child was lying. Look for evidence. Monitor the situation. It’s your responsibility to protect and support your child. Don’t neglect your responsibility.
If, after your investigation, you find that your child is a victim of high-level verbal hostility, immediately remove him from the situation. If, on the other hand, you find that the situation was the result of a misunderstanding, or if the problem was exaggerated, speak to both sides, be fair, and turn the situation into an opportunity for you to teach your child how to be a better person.
Keep Verbal Hostility Out of Your Home
The greatest protection from verbal hostility that you can give your children is to make your home a haven of love and kindness. Children whose homes are havens of love and kindness have the resilience to face the difficulties of life; children whose homes are places of frustration and hostility don’t.
The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) said that “Allah loves gentleness in all things and He gives through gentleness what He doesn’t give through severity.” (Muslim) When you speak to your child at home, speak to him gently. If you do it right, it will be more effective than speaking to him with severity.
We are all human beings, and sometimes we get frustrated, lose our temper, and say things that we shouldn’t. If this only happens rarely, and a parent’s normal conversations with their children are full of love and happiness, then their children’s natural love for them will lead them to overlook their mistakes. But if a parent’s frustrations and severity are the norm, then it may be that their children are victims of verbal hostility at home. Remember that parents have many rights over their children, but they don’t have the right to harm them, and verbal hostility is just as harmful as physical hostility.
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